it's been a tough day. had an assigment due today plus i took a driving test again... and failed.. again.
I do believe im attempting to out do my mother's record at 8. (well. i *AM* already half way there!)
looking back, 2009. a year for first i believe.
First year anniversary working for the very first time at my very first job.
First time i ever submitted an essay late.
the thing is, on my previous driving tests attempts, I've always blamed it on those blasted trams. and while it is not entirely wrong as they DID have a part to play, this time around, its just all me. blam! i wasn't decision enough at this turn. Blam! i could have realised something was up when the testing officer said turn right twice when i eventually turned left. Blam! I could have gone through that amber light and not stopped in the line!
the truth is, that was all me. I think, everyone pads themselves up for failure, and when it happens, we always find something to blame that shows less of our incapability and stupidity, and that of external locus of control, such as, it wasnt my fault when the tram left!
but baby, sometimes it is our own foolishness and stupidity that leads to our failure.
to be completely truthful, i don't have much expectations or dreams, in a sense. i pad possiblity of failure by lowering expectations and acting nonchalant to protect myself and my ego, i suppose.
all thoughout my 21 years, I've led a relatively comfortable life and there's seldom times whereby I had to work hard at something. Not to come across as arrogant, but when all my friends were busy mugging and getting stressed out for O levels, i was studying but way less than them and way less stressed, maybe its in the genes that the family, save for my bro and my mum, work most effectively when under most stress, (and even times of most stress is not at all, that stress at all!)
but i think this is why my assignments are always done at the very last minute, cos i get by.. until this year when i could not complete the essay, come 5 pm.
so maybe it is time to not just "get by and get through". maybe it IS the time to work for it. then perhaps next time, i cannot look back and say " i could have done this better" Or " I could have graduated with better results"
for now, i think i should go book another driving test for attempt #4.
- Mood:
depressed
The past few months, I have been thinking about this.
who are we ?
are we defined by how we outwardly project ourselves to the world?
OR
Is that someone who is truly inside that is the real us?
WIth different people and in different situations, we show different sides of ourselves.
I don't mean it as having double standards, more of an adaptability feature that i would imagine would be an innate function in us.
For example, we behave differently in front of our friends, our workfriends and our lecturers.
Thinking about it, the same self that we present in front of different friends might be met with different responses, and i guess we learn to adapt from that too. for one, i hate rude smses, on the other hand, another person outside might think its direct and speaking ur mind.
It is the things that we hide inside, i.e our feelings, our thoughts, our immediate reactions to things.
for fear that others might shy away because of who we truly are inside.
I guess even the nicest person have thoughts that they want to hide inside,
Huiqi, the highly neurotic person, is definitely not free from all these.
I can say that I'm truly guilty of this.
What will happen one day if our heart and even our thoughts are truly on our sleeves.
That we say what comes to mind without any barriers and holds.
I wonder, whether people will open up to one another or love people as much as they do now.
However, people might have another set of ideals by then.
It is just so amazing that we are such complex social creatures that i guess we will never know.
But I am just so tired and also spineless of complying to social norms, ie accepting an apology that i thought was pretty useless after such a long time.
Instead of truly saying how i felt inside that it didnt matter not because it has been so long but because its pretty shit and that there was no true meaning behind it as I am sure that person will do whatever he/she did again in a heartbeat. And what he perpetuates himself in front of me, might not the same in front of his mates.
I smiled and said it was alright.
no it is not alright. its not even near okay.
its just not fucking alright.
- Mood:
aggravated
我很怕失去的感觉。
永别了。
March 6th, 2003
"i am tired. physically and emotionally.
i really cant think of what i should do not.
maybe time can ease everything. almost everything, that is.
time can sometimes make things and people change.
for the better or for the worst? that is the question
to be or not to be is the question of whether i should be or not to be.
( ignore the last sentence. sounds cheesy.)
sigh .. this is life."
alrighty, im back after a prolonged leave of absence from blogging.
i wonder how much ive grown, a few months now shy from being 21.
It got me wondering what would have happened if I was put back into my younger days, IE sec sch days, where everyday was hell, figuratively speaking. Now that I'm (hopefully) more matured and more emotionally stable.
Would I be able to make any changes as to what others might have perceived me, or the way that they treat me? I've always suspected, when i was about 15, that one day, i can look back after a few years and say. "hey that was really stupid of me and that it didnt mean anything just that they were the immature ones."
I wish i could say that with all the conviction that i have in my heart and brain.
but somehow from time to time, i still feel second-class or even become neurotic just worrying about trying to avoid saying/doing things to somehow lessen how the other person thinks of me.
Obviously, there are close friends that I can rely and open up to. (And for that, i thank you for putting up with me and my junk)
Now, having been exposed to the working, i've increased my knowledge as to the complexities of relationships between people.
some of these would now include, boss-employee, employee-colleague and employee-customer. there are times whereby you can relax, there are times you have to put up with shit and of course, there are times you have fun.
Retrospectively, these new found knowledge have changed me in terms of how i view relationships out of work life and into my personal life. I now see more than before, which does not necessarily mean that it is better.
And for my own sake, I hope I'm not wrong.
- Mood:
contemplative
happy mooncake festival!
Familes come together to eat mooncakes and pomelo drink tea, to appreciate how the moon is the brightest and roundest this very night.
Whilst the children run around carrying lanterns and playing with candles in the garden.
and yes. im sitting here in front of my computer, looking at the mooncake and 2 mandarins (they're not even pomelos) ALL by myself.
ayyes. this is sad. and to top it off, im supposed to be doing my lab report now!
- Mood:
sad
and i dreamt of this shopping centre that ive dreamt of once before.
it was really weird cos this shopping centre, supposedly set in Singapore.. doesnt exist.
theres a cinema on the bottom floor and 2 of my favorite hair places there. (Monsoon and Chapter 2)
and the first time, there was a live band playing there but there had been somekind of murder that happened there so it was kinda scary.
and today, short as the dream was, i wanted to go in to one of the hair salons to cut my hair but i was trying to avoid the other cos i see my regular hairdresser peeking out and looking out.
the thing is, it was deserted cos its outta office hours, BUT it's so freaky that both times i dreamt of this non-existent place in my head, i get the goosebumps just walking in there.
maybe my subconsious is trying to tell me something.
but what?
can u believe i even dreamt abt doing a french assignment last night?
and the worst thing is, i wasnt even doing brillantly in my dream! cant my dream provide some form of solace frm french?
i swear, its haunting me.
anw, since im the topic of language, i might as well yak abit abt it.
i cant even begin to comprehend why i thought taking french was a good idea.
i mean, when i get back to sunny Singapore, am i EVER gg to have to say things like "excusez- moi, vous êtes très beau. je t'aime!".
more so than ever, i'll be at the shiseido counter in CK Tangs going "ehh. auntie , got free samples not?" which sound so unglam but i get my freebies so im happy.
What defines Singlish?
issit the combination of english, chinese, malay, hokkien and the various rojak of other dialects and languages?
or perhaps the bullet speed of us talking?
or maybe its the way we drawl and not enounciate each and every word properly?
i kinda hate it when people ask me whether English is my first language. i even had someone say to me in french class, "oh its ok that u didnt that well in the french mini-test. its not like English is even your first language". i find it really insulting. i mean, even if my english is the worst ever you have ever heard in your 20 years or so of existence, at least im trying. perhaps you can say so for my chinese, which i'll admit isnt the best outta the lot. anyway, maybe one day ill try to scare people here with my A1 in singlish. (which i dearly conferred to myself).
tu parles le singlish?
- Mood:
okay
The most "photogenic" bunch of super fierce people I've ever met.
Just recently, i was watching the Olympics weighlifting semi-finals segment for idunnowhat weight category.
As the contenders from different countries step up to the 4 by 4 metres (or so) square and attempt to make a mark in history, I had a thought.
While I saw some succeed and some fail, I realised that the coaches were always there for them regardless of the result.
As what one of the commentators said, "this is the sport which can make grown man cry", this thought flashed across my head.
Isnt that what friends are supposed to be for too?
To be able to offer a shoulder, a ear or advice when the need arises and also to be able to share the little or BIG victories in life.
Truth is, in life we are often faced with many adversaries. We cannot predict and hence cannot influence the outcome of certain things, and its the presence of friends that help magnify the great and diminish disappointment.
As one particular contender fail to clear his weights at the final attempt and break down in tears, I saw the coach come forward to give him a hug and sorta in an awkward fashion, drag him off camera.
but sometimes i do wonder, with all that psych research and what not abt proximity and distance being a very strong predictor for relationship, does distance really matter? i guess, to a certain degree, it does. but then again, ive friends here that i hardly ever meet, and that supposedly does not do anything nor predict any form of strong relationship.
does it come down to making that effort VS distance apart VS affinity?
i can say with confidence that through the years, we've all grown with maturity and definitely have developed some warped sense of cynicism, shifting from an idealistic world view to a more realistic but yet more pessimistic one. somewhat like "ooh frens 4eva!" to "i can promise to be ur friend... for now.. we'll see, ok?"
i guess all of us have to start somewhere and make that effort. i'm proud of myself today that i sent a sms to someone i havent talked to in months. hahaha. yup.
baby steps..
- Location:Living room
- Mood:
content - Music:computer whirring
and this got me thinking, we are quite multicultural but yet we lose so many distinct traits of our own culture. When we greet each other nowadays, its always a very professional-looking but emotionally-lacking handshake but just looking at the two guys exchange greetings today, got me wishing that i have something more than the handshake to greet people with.
is it true that these days we lose so much of our cultural distinctiveness that we go from multicultural to unicultural?
- Mood:
complacent
these are the freebies that come along with the birthdays.
just thinking abt the recent four years that I've been in Melbourne.
Trinity seems like yonks ago.
Its pretty amazing how different our paths have gone since then.
Jelly's back in Sg, Jennie's in the States. Linus' on the plane back now.
Even the people who have stayed on have gone on to pursue different things.
Many are even graduating from their degrees end of this year!
i guess these couple of years abroad has taught me alot.
And I've grown comfortable with this city with its little quirks here and there.
But there's still that bit of Singapore in me. (despite the weather and staring strangers)
I've also grown to appreciate the many things we take for granted in Singapore.
The security, the stablity and also the safety.
Maybe its one of those things that when you step back that you can get another perspective.
Recently I just entered the 20s age bracket and its not as scary as i first believed.
Of course, there's a certain maturity required of me now.
To make decisions that are potentially life-altering,
And also to be able to look out to the future while living in the present.
Remember how primary and secondary school life used to be?
Although it was torrential, at least there's a definite goal to attain -- PSLE/O Levels.
My question is what happens after you reach there? Perhaps collage? University?
And then after that?
I'm trying to envision myself in the working world but its kinda hard.
We'll see, shall we?
- Mood:
thankful
so stressed this time round cos of the neuropsych essay. ive never had an essay due during exams week and my last minute-ness has once again came back to haunt me. im getting stressed but at the same time not at all focus. A very gd example of this behaviour would be RIGHT now, where im in the law library, supposedly starting on previously-mentioned essay with a borrowed iMac typing this entry and a chronic headache thats been developing since lunch.
AND
french exams is on wed
Dev psych is on thurs
and previously-mentioned and stupid essay is due on friday
fun fun fun
- Location:law library
- Mood:
blah
所以， 我不兜圈圈了。 我最近很不好。 驾驶执照又没有考过， 考试又要到了， 真是的！
而且， 我发现啦， 台湾的偶像剧，还是别看太多， 尤其对女孩子特别不好。
你想想看就会明白了， 台湾偶像剧每一个男生都是帅气或美少男， 例如， 贺军翔，吴尊和郑元暢。 就连常常做二线的男主角，例如， 唐禹哲，王传一和 曾少宗， 都不是例外。 台湾偶像剧大多数都来自少女漫画， 每一次都是说一个很普通的女孩和一个非常受欢迎/很帅气或运动很强的男生。因为某些理
可是， 现实生活并非如此， 童话很少在我们的世界里发生。像偶像剧里面的帅气白马王子往往都不会在我们的生活中出
或可能， 我们是在逃避生活的平淡吧。
嗨，要回去死背书了， 好想也一起和妈妈姐姐看戏啦！ ：（ （我好自卑啦，讲了那么
（我用了一个小时的时间来打这些中文字！ 好辛苦啦！）
- Mood:
embarrassed - Music:林依晨和郑元暢的声音
seriously the hype abt turning 20 is quite redundant, probably right after you turn 20. (self deception. :) )
had a couple of friends over at my place for lunch/dinner. haha Mum and Dad were here so they cooked heaps! hahaha. no risk of food poisoning. was good was good.
The portraits of a 20 year old.
Its amazing how even though technically you don't jump a year suddenly on your birthday, its just turning from 19 years old 364 days to 20 years old. i just feel a year older rather than a day older. and my perspectives have changed so much from year to year. Many things change with time. Just 10 years ago, my only concern in the world on my birthday was whether i will be getting that barbie doll from Takashimaya.
suddenly the future is hovering across the horizon. Career pathways are no longer "when i grow up, i want to be a teacher" (dont we all?). and as we develop into our adult selves, I wonder what kind of person would i be in 10 years' time when im hitting the big 3? will i be "Miss Bitch" that everyone hates in the office? or maybe "Miss I-work-so-much-that-i-dont-have-time-for-f
"one year older but none the wiser?" i hope not.
But for now, i really enjoy getting older and im looking forward to meeting Miss Huiqi in 10 years' time,
And thanks for all well wishes and presents! every single message and present really brought truckloads of smiles. thank you thank you! :D Love you all!
- Mood: content
the breeze upon my face.
as the waves come and go.
the inner peace wash over me
i seek to find my strength,
the one that only i know exist.
to face the futures and leave the pasts.
to overcome the maybes into the definitelys.
As surely as i know you are here with me.
the tears streak down my face,
my heart broken as it as.
in peace and quietness i know,
my strength would find me
right here where i belong.
STRESSSEDDD!
- Mood:
working
"According to Grant (1996:221), Cassius hated Caesar because Caesar did not give him praetorship when he was elected in 44BC and during the planning fo the Parthian expedition, Cassius was not assigned anything signifcant. Cassius might have attributed his lack of importance in the governemnt to Caesar's tyranny and this damaged his pride. Cassius' hatred towards Caesar is more evident because he instigated Brutus to join in the conspiracy. As people consider Caesar as a tyrant, the idea of killing one appealed to Brutus because he took pride that his ancestors rid Rome of its tyrants."
Cassius who?
1. I can't believe i actually wrote this.
2. i can't rmb alot about this.
3. i can't believe i wrote like this. I.E unacademical.
4. but im impressed that i knew what i was talking about then.
and all this occured like just 3 years ago.
im always amazed when i read my past essays and realise how stressed out i was during that period and how im like relatively free just reading it instead of writing it.
- Mood:
cold - Music:the cars on swanston street
Porterhouse steak grilled-to-order. Served with mushrooms, broccoli and mashed potatoes. Drizzled with our special in-house peppercorn mushroom sauce. Guaranteed 100% a gourmet experience!
anw, i have decided to come back to the evils of blogging since its the all familiar time of assignments once again and yes, i have 3 lovely assignments due in the next 11 days, which includes 2 of the infamous psychology lab report and a rather interesting assignment(the sleep-deprived brain is saying this) for advertising and promotions.
i was supposed to make a start on my advertising assignment at 12am, the time now is 5 min to 5am. I've written 400 words for the marketing assignment.
instead of starting at 12am, like that good little girl i never was, i started 3 and 1/2 hours later, after going on msn,facebook, gmail, unimelb, LMS, Jelly's blog, Alicia's blog, Annabel's blog, Xiaxue's blog, Eugene's blog and leave random comments on facebook, i found myself with nothing else to do, except to actually start on the assignment.
and after 50 min of fervent typing which produced abt 480 words, i realised i forgot my old but very trustworthy blog so here i am to type randomness and nothing-really-in-particular.
huiqi out.
- Mood:
sick
說 再 見 再 見 不 會 太 遙 遠
若 有 緣 有 緣 就 能 其 待 明 天
你 和 我 重 逢 在 燦 爛 的 季 節"
Ive moved past depressed, homesick and am now sorta resigned to the fact that i'll be here for another year.
and i might as well be happy about it. so yea. huiqi is fine, doing ok, smiling heaps and also sleeping heaps. lol.
hopefully everyone's doing well back home. and always keep me informed about whats gg on in all your lives k.
i dont want "keep in touch" to be a myth anymore! and know that huiqi loves all of you heaps and wishes that she was back!
so in the meanwhile, take care of urselves and till the next time k :D
- Mood:
sleepy
In hot February, Chinese New Year arrived, where angpaos and goodies steadily came.
Alas alas the last few days.
(P.S. I might not make alot of sense in this entry. Large pinch of salt, anyone?"
- Location:Uropa
- Mood:
grateful
I'm going back tomorrow.
its way too soon and way too fast.
I'll blog soon about my little escapades this year back home.
anyways, as i was walking outta the class at gym, this song was playing over the sound system. and it sings,
"I don't wanna say goodbye cos my heart can't take it anymore"
how apt. the day before leaving.
ayyes. and life resumes...
P.S Darren, you better do ur job as the official appointed un-homesick -Huiqi person.
- Location:Home
- Mood: sad
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